The Facts of Life
by Midnight-sama
Summary: It's about time someone sat those two down and talked some sense into them. Maybe it's just me but Sasuke and Itachi were starting to get annoying. Too bad Kyuubi sucks at interventions...
1. Chapter 1

**Lawyers: Dum dumdum dum dum dum dum dum can't touch this! **

**... Ya know, just because I don't own Naruto doesn't mean you have to rub it in my face.**

**Lawyers: ... Dum dumdum dum dum dum dum dum can't touch this!**

**Itachi: ...They're singing.**

**Naruto: ...?**

**Itachi: Why are they singing?**

**Naruto: They're lawyers, I'm surprised that they can still have human emotions.**

**Sephiroth: If I didn't know any better I would've thought that was a lawyer burn.**

**Naruto: Piss off, Mama's boy!**

**Kyuubi: Excuse blondie. It's his time of the month.**

**Cloud: ...Period?**

**Scar: (rolls his eyes) He's talking about the full moon, you twit.**

**Alucard: I personally like red moons better.**

**Vincent: Ditto.**

**Sephiroth: ...Guys? Have you ever noticed that most of the we're-**

**Kyuubi: Horny?**

**Alucard: Drunk off of blood?**

**Itachi: Insane?**

**Vincent: Hungry because we just ran out of blood then go insane from lack of blood then have hot, rabid mansex in a closet because we're horny?**

**Sephiroth: ...Never mind.**

**...Damn, you guys are random.**

**Naruto: Technically, it's your fault because you wrote this script.**

**Itachi: I agree because Naruto would never say technically...**

**Scar: True that.**

**...I see. Oi, I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, InuYasha, or Shaman King.**

**---**

_The day had finally come. Three years after the betrayal of Sasuke Uchiha the war had finally come... and Naruto Uzumaki was eating ramen. Some things never changed. Naruto killed a Sound nin as he payed the old man for his numerous bowls of ramen then smiled. "Thanks for the food," he happily chirpped. The old man nodded in shock then Naruto suddenly sniffed the air. "They're fighting again," he whined, "I can't believe they're fighting... __**again**__!" _

_Kyuubi stirred in his cage and rolled his eyes. "What do you expect them to do, kiss and make up," the demon snarled in disgust. "Besides, the boy needs to learn his place, I'm surprised he hasn't died years ago. Uchiha prodigy, my ass! All he does is brood. The only way Sasuke could kill Itachi is if he poisons his air with so much angst that Itachi can't bear to live anymore and he slits his own throat," Kyuubi solemnly said._

_Naruto blinked once, twice, thrice then sighed. "Kyuubi, you're mean," the blonde slowly said. Kyuubi's tails twitched in annoyance and he... well, Kyuubi just twitched in annoyance. "Go find your precious Uchihas before they kill each other," the fox mumbled in frustration. Naruto smiled and skipped off to find his two favorite boys._

_"I hate you," Sasuke screamed as he charged at Itachi with Chidori. The eldest Uchiha simply rolled his eyes and side-stepped the attack. 'I should've killed him a LONG time ago,' Itachi said to himself as he kicked Sasuke in the stomach._

_"Hey, that wasn't very nice," Naruto said as he helped Sasuke to his feet and dusted him off. "Olders brother are supposed to look after their little brothers!" "I left him alive," Itachi muttured, "isn't that enough?" "_**NO**_," Naruto roared surprising both Uchihas, "Sesshomaru is a better brother than you and he freakin' _**hates**_ InuYasha! Envy and Ed hate each but... well, Envy just really, really, really, _**really**_ hates Ed so they're not a good example. Yoh and Hao are brothers and Hao tried to wipe mankind off of the face of the earth by absorbing the King of Shamans but-"_

_"Naruto,_** focus**_," Itachi snapped as he flicked Naruto in the forehead. Sasuke just looked on in confusion as Naruto's eyes crossed then uncrosed. "Oh, damn it to hell," Kyuubi snarled as he took over Naruto's body. "WHY DOES MY HOST HAVE TO BE SO _**STUPID**_," he screamed to no one in particular._

_Itachi and Sasuke saw red eyes and took a step back. "Don't try to run now, you bitches," Kyuubi sweetly said, "I just wanted to have a talk with my favorite mortals." "Can we do this some other time," Sasuke asked, "I plan to live." "You won't live for a very long time if you don't sit your ass down and shut up," the demon purred. Sasuke wisely choose to sit down despite the blood that covered the spot he was sitting in. Itachi scowled but made no move to leave._

_"I would rather kill you two because you're so damn annoying but my host is more annoying that both of you combined so you must die of natural causes," Kyuubi said. Sasuke and Itachi twitched but stayed silent when Kyuubi showed them a mouth full of extremely sharp teeth. "I will talk, you will listen, and then later on we will all act like this never happened. If anyone ever speaks of this he will be shot," the demon said. Both Uchihas raised their eyebrows and looked at Kyuubi. "Yes, I said he will be shot. Now, stop looking at me like that and listen."_

The Facts of Life

No one ever said that life would be easy,

I could say something cliché and cheesy,

But that ain't me,

It's time for you to see,

That all that glitters isn't gold,

And that's a lesson you should remember even as you grow old,

Because two wrongs don't make a right,

That just leads to an even bigger fight.

It's better if you admit you were wrong,

Because then your heart would be strong,

Enough to take the shame and hold the pain,

Then let it wash away in the rain,

And let your soul cry out with a great hallelujah,

Because you didn't let the pain get to ya,

That just goes to show,

You're not the person people think they know

Your are yourself and you should never let someone else define you,

Just keep on doing the things you do.

Now pay close attention my friend,

Because in the end,

You shouldn't have a single regret,

You must not forget,

Your life is your own,

And your sins are something you must atone,

But don't let it get you down,

Because you look cuter when you smile than when you frown.

_"...," was the response Kyuubi got from both Uchihas. The demon was just about to strangle them in frustration but then Naruto regained control of his body. "Stupid, murderous, flea-infested fur ball," the blonde muttered. "Shut up and deal with your angsty teen muffins of doom," Kyuubi snarled, "If I see either of them again _**someone**_ will die and it sure as hell won't be me!" "Drama queen," Naruto sneered out loud, "I don't even know why I bother to try to even talk to you. At least you were able to have a life!"_

_Though this was directed at a certain bitchy, nine-tailed fox Sasuke shifted. Itachi could've killed him a long time ago. Hell, Itachi _**should've**_ killed him a long time ago. But he didn't, Itachi didn't kill him. He told him to live and to hate so he could become strong, Itachi told him to _**live**_. The irony always left a bitter taste is Sasuke's mouth. It was... disturbing. Itachi killed, no, Itachi _**slaughtered**_ their family yet he told Sasuke to live. _

_Naruto was still ranting but even he noticed the change in the air. The earth seemed to hold its breath until Sasuke spoke. "I still hate you," he quietly said to Itachi. The elder Uchiha simply sighed. "I guess that's all you can do then," Itachi said with a hint of sadness. Despite the heavy atmosphere Naruto smiled. They were tired, bitter, and angry but Itachi and Sasuke were still brothers. Now how were they going to tell Sasuke that they were... "_**involved**_?"_

**Stay tuned for the sequel, Living Life!**

**Sasuke: ...She doesn't like me that much, does she?**

**Alucard: A brain-dead monkey could see that!**

**Goku: ...Now that just stung.**

**Itachi: ...Exactly which Goku are you?**

**Goku: Saiyuki Goku.**

**O.B.S (Official Bishounen Squad for those of you that have forgotten): ...Who?**

**Kyuubi: The cute, loud-mouthed one!**

**O.B.S: Oh, that one!**

**...I know it's been a while but I would be honored if you guys would give a lazy authoress a couple of reviews.**

**Scar: Not only are you lazy but you're also very-**

**Finish that sentence and you'll be dead faster than you can say "Character Death."**

**Scar: ...You are a very evil little girl.**

**What was that muses? Did you guys just say uke!Scar? With seme!Envy?**

**Alucard: ...No, but I was thingking it.**

**Vincent: Me too.**

**Scar: ...I'll go sit in a corner now.**

**Good boy.**

**Vincent: She's almost as bad as Hojo.**

**Darling, I'm worse than Hojo. He created Sephiroth but I can create things much more beautifully twisted.**

**Naruto: ...Eep.**

**Itachi: The wrath of a woman no matter her age is still something to be feared.**

**Cloud: ...Is that why you're hiding under the table with Naruto?**

**Itachi: ...Yes.**

**Cloud: ...Is there room for one more?**

**Itachi: ...Yes.**

**Cloud: Move over then!**

**Sephiroth: Hello, everyone. It is I, the Great Sephiroth. No autographs. I could join the mindless babble but instead I choose to speak with you, the readers. I would like to ask-**

**Kyuubi: Review the damn story or I'll feast of your flesh!**

**Sephiroth: ...Do you mind?**

**Kyuubi: Shove it.**

**Before this turns into a cat fight-**

**Kyuubi and Seph: HEY!**

**I just ask you to review and give me an honest opinion of what you thought.**

**Vincent: Feed the muses, send your blood to-**

**VINCENT!**

**Vincent: PleasereviewandMidnight-samathanksyouforreadingthis!**

**Alucard: Long live the madness that is Midnight-sama!**

**Sasuke: ...HELP ME!**


	2. Living Life

**Sephiroth: ...Guys? How long have we been asleep?**

**Naruto: Screw that! When was the last time we ate?!**

**Vincent: Food and time are irrelevant...**

**Kyuubi: Not all of us can survive of blood and angst, you twit.**

**Vincent: ...Bitch, don't make me smack the fuzz off of you. I just got my nails done...**

**Cloud: Ha! I knew your nails didn't have that curve naturally!**

**Vincent: ...You're next, Blondie.**

**Scar: ...All of you disgust me.**

**Naruto: I'm just disturbed but the saddest part of this is that I knew this was going to happen and did nothing to stop it.**

**Itachi: In order to stop myself from killing all of you, I've decided to take up knitting...**

**Naruto: ...What are the tiny, pink mittens for?**

**Itachi: Those are for our baby.**

**Naruto: ...But we don't have a baby! And we're both MALE!**

**Itachi: Be that as it may, the entity we all know and love as Midnight-sama promised that you would bear my children. Now, do you like the bunnies or the foxes more?**

**Naruto: The bunnies, they're so cute and fuzzy and... Wait a second! CHILDREN?! WHERE IS SHE?! I'M GONNA KILL HER THEN PLAY WITH HER ENTRAILS!**

**Kyuubi: ...I've never been more proud of you than I am now but bunnies? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CHOOSE BUNNIES?!**

**...I like the bunnies.**

**Naruto and Kyuubi: YOU!**

**...Yes?**

**Naruto: ...You could at least be a teeny bit more ashamed.**

**I write yaoi fanfiction, shame is for wussies.**

**Sephiroth: I second that!**

**Scar: ...Can we just start this... _thing_ so I can go home? I have to meet the midget and his boyfriend for dinner...**

**He's meeting the parents!**

**Kyuubi: Aww, don't worry, lover boy. You'll do just fine.**

**Crickets: ...Sorry but we're shocked speechless too.**

**Alucard: ...Midnight-sama does not own Naruto.**

**Vincent: She only owns this odd plot and... a tenth of Spike's ass?**

**...The other 90 percent belongs to Vicious and he doesn't like to share. Stingy bastard...**

**---**

_"...We're out of milk." Sasuke's declaration was received with a snort and an eyeroll. "Then go get some," Naruto slowly said as if he was talking to a small child. Itachi just ignored them and choose to glare at the TV. in disgust. "_**This**_ is Smallville," he asked without taking his eyes off of the..._ **what the hell had just happened?!**

_"We need _**milk**_," Sasuke whined. Naruto's eyes briefly flashed red which made both Uchihas tense._ **"Then go get milk,"** _he hissed. "He can't go outside," Itachi suddenly said. "Why the hell _**not**_," Naruto asked, "he has legs! ...And _**money**_! As a matter of fact, he should be doing our freakin' _**taxes**_! We're letting him live in our apartment for free and the amount of hair gel he uses is _**ridiculous**_! And the prices! I know places where you can buy high quality crack for less!"_

_Sasuke snorted then eyed Naruto's hair in amusement. "Are you saying that the bird's nest you have fused to your head is _**natural**_," the younger Uchiha asked. "It's called bed head, you _**bitch**_," Naruto snarled, "and at least my hair doesn't look like a _**duck**_ decided to sit on my head and stay their for all _**eternity**_!" Sasuke leaped for Naruto's throat as Itachi sighed in frustration. "I guess _**I'll**_ go get milk," he muttered. "Thank you, sexy," Naruto cooed as he kicked Sasuke off of him. Itachi just shook his head and walked out the door. Sasuke paused then looked at Naruto with eyes wide in disbelief. "Did my _**brother **_actually just walk _**outside**_? In broad _**daylight**_," he quietly asked. There was total and complete silence then both boys paled._ **"Itachi, wait!"**

Living Life

Each day may be harder than the last,

But that's all in the past,

'cause we're living life and standing tall despite what it brings,

Even when the sun doesn't shine and the birds don't sing,

You've accepted me for who and what I am,

You didn't even give a damn,

About what people say,

You just smiled and said everything will be okay,

'cause we're living life and standing tall despite what it brings,

Even when the sun doesn't shine and the birds don't sing.

I still think this is crazy,

My mind is still hazy,

But we're living life and we're living it together,

And you promised that you'll never,

Leave me or lie to me,

So this is home, the only place I'll ever want to be,

Until the day I die,

I wipe away every tear you cry,

'cause we're living life and standing tall despite what it brings,

Even when the sun doesn't shine and the birds don't sing.

I always seem to get myself into trouble,

But you're always there to pull me from the rubble,

'cause we're living life and standing tall despite what it brings,

Even when the sun doesn't shine and the birds don't sing.

You'll shelter me with the wings of your dreams,

And hold me when my nightmares make me scream,

So this is where I'll lay my head down to sleep,

That's the only promise I'll ever keep,

'cause we're living life and taking nothing for granted,

Aren't you happy you listened to me while I ranted?

**"...How long have they been living with you?"** _Naruto looked at Sasuke who just shrugged then looked at Itachi. "It's been seven months, ten weeks, three days, eight hours, fifty minutes, and nineteen seconds." Everyone in the room look at the eldest Uchiha in shock. "What," he said, "it's a very important day to me!" Naruto blushed while Sasuke snickered as Itachi frowned._

**"...If someone doesn't bring me a drink in the next five seconds I'm going to start breaking things,"** _Tsunade screamed. Kakashi suddenly appeared with a three bottles of sake and a shot glass. Tsunade squinted at the tiny shot glass then threw it over her should with a sneer. Naruto squeaked in fear as the glass shattered but Sasuke and Itachi did their very best to look bored and uninterested... until Tsunade turned her slightly drunken gaze on them. It's amazing how fast that woman can drink..._

_"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill your sorry, pale asses_ **right now**_," she slurred. "I love Naruto," Itachi said. "And I love living with my brother and Naruto despite the fact that they have loud, extremely annoying, angry sex all the time," Sasuke emotionlessly added. "It's not my fault that you listen," Naruto mumbled. Sasuke rolled his eyes then snorted. "It's not my fault that you scream like a _**girl**_," he sneered. "It's not our fault that you can't get laid," Itachi and Naruto said in unison._

_Tsunade cringed then looked at Kakashi. "Any suggestions," she asked. "Get so drunk that you can't remember what your name is then go streaking," he suggested. Jiraiya snorted. "Kids these days have no imagination," the Sannin sadly said, "back in the day you went streaking when you were _**bored**_. When you wanted to forget something, you went to a club and got so drunk that you had a one-night stand with your best male friend then actually had a relationship until you figured out that he wanted to achieve immortality by_ **any means necessary**_..." "Orochimaru _**was**_ a good kisser though," Tsunade wistfully said. Jiraiya smiled fondly as he twisted a strand of his hair. "Remember that thing he used to do with his _**tongue**_," he asked with a smirk. Tsunade shivered then giggled. "He was an _**animal**_!"_

_"...He _**still**_ does that thing with his tongue," Sasuke muttered while blushing. Naruto paled then gagged. "Is there anyone here that _**hasn't**_ slept with Orochimaru beside me," he suddenly asked. Not a single person on that room raised their hand. "...Itachi Uchiha, you are never sleeping on my bed again," Naruto snarled. "You must understand that it gets very lonely when you're a member of a criminal organization," Itachi slowly said, "besides, Sasori already owned Deidara's ass so it was either Orochimaru or Kisame... I think I fucked the lesser of two ugly evils." "I agree," Kakashi sighed, "I'd take Orochimaru over Kisame_ **any day**_." "You _**did**_ take Orochimaru over Kisame," Jiraiya snickered. Tsunade licked her lips then leered at Kakashi. "Actually, Orochimaru probably _**took**_ him," she purred._

_And far, far away, a snake sneezed as a fox let out a cry that chilled the souls of all that heard._

**The End**

**---**

**Damn, that was even disturbing for me and I wrote this...**

**Sephiroth: Itachi?**

**Itachi: Hn?**

**Sephiroth: Did you really-**

**Itachi: Yes.**

**Cloud: But was he really-**

**Itachi: Yes.**

**Scar: ...Seriously?!**

**Itachi: Yes.**

**Alucard: It was the tongue, wasn't it?**

**Itachi: _Hell_ yes.**

**Vincent: You're taking this surprising well, Naru- ...Eep.**

**Kyuubi!Naruto: ...I need to go kill something.**

**Scar: ...Would you like to watch Fight Club with me instead?**

**Kyuubi!Naruto: ...Will you snuggle with me?**

**Scar: ...Sure.**

**Kyuubi!Naruto: Okay... Scar?**

**Scar: Wha?**

**Naruto: ...Thanks.**

**Scar: ...Shut up and get over here.**

**Kyuubi: Aww!**

**...That was totally unexpected by highly acceptable.**

**Alucard: Quite.**

**Itachi: ...Naruto?**

**Naruto: ...What?**

**Itachi: I wanna have your abortion.**

**Naruto: ...Shut up and get over here, you idiot.**

**Cloud: And make sure you scoot over for me!**

**Alucard, Vincent, Sephiroth, and Kyuubi: And me!**

**...I love my boys, don't you?**

**Sasuke: ...Please review. Alucard, that better be your gun...**

**Alucard: (smirk) Bang bang, baby.**


End file.
